And I Thought Two Weeks Was Bad... or Life, Life Always Changes

I'm noticing a rhythm in my life. A constant beat. A cadence of phrase I cannot escape, no matter how hard or far I've run.

"You are better then this."

I always know when my life takes a turn for the not-as-good. I've never yet had my life go "bad." I've (almost) always had power and indoor plumbing, and I've always-always-always had a roof over my head. My life has always been some degree of better-than-most, whether I have realized it or not. But with my first world problems comes the question of "Now what? You're already on top of the world. This is as good as it gets." I let myself become complacent. I drop into this stupor of thinking that I'm not good enough to deserve more than what I have. I have enough. I am enough. I don't need to push further.

But then I hear the call again.

"You are better than this."

And then I try to be better. I resolve to do school or learn a new programming language or something else to make myself better. And then I remember how hard it is to push. That I'm not a beautiful and unique snowflake. That I've always been Jack's complete lack of surprise. Complacency, like a warm blanket, wraps me up again and I feel like it's all a waste of time. Punch in, keep pedaling that stationary bike, punch out, pay bills, repeat. It's enough. It's low-risk, low impact, low geared, and it keeps me afloat. It's enough.

And life, the repetitive little sod, calls again.

"You are better than this."

So we keep repeating the same dance in different places, with different vocations, in different schools, at different times, with different friends, and different lovers, but all (sometimes painfully) reminding me of life's little catchphrase.

"You are better than this."

But why? I'm tired. It's hard. And I don't know how. And what if I fail? I'm afraid of failing. And everything around me says successful people suck.

I'm better than this.

So I'm at it again.

But what's different?

I'm not being told.

I want.

I desire.

I crave.

Sadly, this is new again. I've not had a true impelling drive for a long time. I guess that means I've been broken for a long time. The things I learn about myself when I write... This is better than therapy.

At least somewhat cheaper.

I'm better than this.

Don't forget this time.

There may not be another.

There's so much better than this.

The world is so much better than this.

The universe is so much better than this.

There is no end to what's better than this.

Are You Watching Closely?