I haven't written in two weeks.
Not just here. Nowhere.
I've had all of these thoughts racing through my head and not time and nowhere to put them. As soon as I have just the tiniest second to breathe, I just want to pass out or escape things for a few minutes before life, the universe, and everything picks right back up for it's next barrage.
I dream so many things that have yet to be and, sadder still, cannot be for far too long. I, weary traveler, must be trapped on the slower path. For the sake of my Angel, I tread it without guile.
All the while, the days soldier on while I recover from nights that I sell to survive, but it seems in the end I will have neither day nor night. Only trapped with the things that never were because I was never man enough to step out to make them real.
To all the songs I've missed recording, to all of the verses I missed writing, to the ideas left to rot on the floor of my prison and the Angel who tarries with me, if only in spirit for now...
I'm sorry I'm not always attentive. I miss you. When you are with me again, oh the magic we will create. Until then, I will do everything I can to earn the privilege you are to have in my life. You connect me to the universe in a very singular way. You make me feel alive.
I miss creating.
Not everything is what is seems.
Are You Watching Closely?
Warning: Not always poetry. Not, at least, in the form you're used to. These are words steamed from the overactive imagination of a lexiphile. Cannot guarantee purity or sense. Can guarantee depth of thought. Don't get lost. Watch closely.
26 August 2012
13 August 2012
This Star Won't Go Out or A Week Later Than It Started
Why are there people in our lives?
I've read about these pre-schools where they're trying to discourage kids from making a "best friend" so that when that friendship inevitably goes sour, the kids will not have such a hard detachment from that friend. Is this scary to anyone else?
I've been pondering the meaning of people and the roles we assign them in our lives. How an ex-wife can turn into a pretty decent friend, how a lover can turn into a distant memory, how a missed opportunity can turn into the most important thing in your life...
My thought processes started last week, with it having been August 5th. This year makes it seven years since my father died. I hate the term "passed away". It's so.... soft and politically correct. Honestly, it's as if there is a shame in death. Some offense to be taken for being human. Everyone does it. From Jesus to Hitler, the good, the bad and the in between all die. So call it death. Give it some dignity. But back to topic.
I miss my father every single day. In his last year, he evolved beyond mentor and father and really became my best friend. I shared the most of myself with him. I learned the most from him. I found out his humanity beyond the visage of fatherhood. I found myself realizing how much of me was him, and how glad I was for it. Losing him, especially the timing and abruptness of it, was like being shot. I felt it too. When he actually died. It brought me to my knees in tears. I was in a private corner of the ER waiting room. I couldn't hear them working on him. I couldn't hear Mom or my brother, who were in the back where the action was. I just knew. And I cried more in that 5 minutes, alone in a darkened corner, than I had in my whole life previous. I begged God not to do what He had already done. And I knew it. And it wasn't fair. He had already stripped dreams from me that year. Dad was off limits. Sacred. Why was I the one who got less than two decades? Right when I was getting to know the man behind the title. I hadn't even found a wife yet! He was supposed to school me on being a husband. A dad. He was supposed to be here. It wasn't FAIR!
These days, years and years later, I have pictures of him around my house. It would be so easy to remove those reminders. Like splinters in my heart. Just get them out.
And then I remember that my heart didn't stop beating. Wounded, weary, but not done. This splinter was his lesson on walking on when you're bone tired and finishing the race. This one, his smile when things weren't great, but he survived. And kept the rest of us surviving. And here's the one where he made me come up with ideas to find what would make me happy with life. It's too bad that so much of what I love to do is so... free-of-charge in the real world.
But he taught me so many lessons. I can't say they all sank in. But I recognize them. Each splinter sticking out of my heart. And everyone leaves them. Little lessons we learn from the people we let close enough to our hearts to stab or tattoo their wisdom on it. Like a living pegboard.
But that was where my thoughts began. Then I was reminded (after the fact) by the brothers Green (of VlogBrothers notoriety) about Esther Day. Esther Day, for the uninitiated, is a new yearly celebration on August 3rd of the love we have in our lives. Not just romantic stuff, though that is supremely important. It's to remind us to say I Love You to people who matter. Whom you might feel uncomfortable saying it to. But you should say it to. Because you do love them. And they deserve to hear it, at least sometimes, no matter how weird it may be to say it out loud.
Oh yeah, on of the main caveats is to say it *out loud.* The scariness of it all!
Many of the Nerdfighter community (if you don't know, Google it for heaven's sake) take the opportunity to donate to the This Star Won't Go Out Foundation, established in honor of the namesake of Esther Day, Esther Grace Earl. The short story is that she was a 16-year-old girl with cancer. Her real story, and her legacy, is so much more. Read up thusly, and return:
http://tswgo.org/esthers-story/
...and welcome back.
Esther's reality was about being okay with herself, her trials, and taking advantage of whatever life she could have however long she could have it. If you have the time to research the VlogBrothers videos, it's inspiring to go through and realize how one girl helped shape literal thousands of people just by being an unquenchable spirit. The brothers Green are also very good, inspiring philosphs of their own. So just go get addicted to them.
But my main point today, if I ever had one, is that without risking ourselves, without love and loss, without best friends and sudden death, what are we but fragile shells? Without being hurt by that crush I had in 3rd grade, or dumped twice by the same girl in the same summer, losing my dad, or my other pains I would never understand the love I have for my daughter, how much I appreciate my friends, or how hard and worth it is to open my life to Love again.
It is so hard.
And so worth it.
This is a Call.
Are You Watching Closely?
I (probably) Love You.
Good Grief.
I've read about these pre-schools where they're trying to discourage kids from making a "best friend" so that when that friendship inevitably goes sour, the kids will not have such a hard detachment from that friend. Is this scary to anyone else?
I've been pondering the meaning of people and the roles we assign them in our lives. How an ex-wife can turn into a pretty decent friend, how a lover can turn into a distant memory, how a missed opportunity can turn into the most important thing in your life...
My thought processes started last week, with it having been August 5th. This year makes it seven years since my father died. I hate the term "passed away". It's so.... soft and politically correct. Honestly, it's as if there is a shame in death. Some offense to be taken for being human. Everyone does it. From Jesus to Hitler, the good, the bad and the in between all die. So call it death. Give it some dignity. But back to topic.
I miss my father every single day. In his last year, he evolved beyond mentor and father and really became my best friend. I shared the most of myself with him. I learned the most from him. I found out his humanity beyond the visage of fatherhood. I found myself realizing how much of me was him, and how glad I was for it. Losing him, especially the timing and abruptness of it, was like being shot. I felt it too. When he actually died. It brought me to my knees in tears. I was in a private corner of the ER waiting room. I couldn't hear them working on him. I couldn't hear Mom or my brother, who were in the back where the action was. I just knew. And I cried more in that 5 minutes, alone in a darkened corner, than I had in my whole life previous. I begged God not to do what He had already done. And I knew it. And it wasn't fair. He had already stripped dreams from me that year. Dad was off limits. Sacred. Why was I the one who got less than two decades? Right when I was getting to know the man behind the title. I hadn't even found a wife yet! He was supposed to school me on being a husband. A dad. He was supposed to be here. It wasn't FAIR!
These days, years and years later, I have pictures of him around my house. It would be so easy to remove those reminders. Like splinters in my heart. Just get them out.
And then I remember that my heart didn't stop beating. Wounded, weary, but not done. This splinter was his lesson on walking on when you're bone tired and finishing the race. This one, his smile when things weren't great, but he survived. And kept the rest of us surviving. And here's the one where he made me come up with ideas to find what would make me happy with life. It's too bad that so much of what I love to do is so... free-of-charge in the real world.
But he taught me so many lessons. I can't say they all sank in. But I recognize them. Each splinter sticking out of my heart. And everyone leaves them. Little lessons we learn from the people we let close enough to our hearts to stab or tattoo their wisdom on it. Like a living pegboard.
But that was where my thoughts began. Then I was reminded (after the fact) by the brothers Green (of VlogBrothers notoriety) about Esther Day. Esther Day, for the uninitiated, is a new yearly celebration on August 3rd of the love we have in our lives. Not just romantic stuff, though that is supremely important. It's to remind us to say I Love You to people who matter. Whom you might feel uncomfortable saying it to. But you should say it to. Because you do love them. And they deserve to hear it, at least sometimes, no matter how weird it may be to say it out loud.
Oh yeah, on of the main caveats is to say it *out loud.* The scariness of it all!
Many of the Nerdfighter community (if you don't know, Google it for heaven's sake) take the opportunity to donate to the This Star Won't Go Out Foundation, established in honor of the namesake of Esther Day, Esther Grace Earl. The short story is that she was a 16-year-old girl with cancer. Her real story, and her legacy, is so much more. Read up thusly, and return:
http://tswgo.org/esthers-story/
...and welcome back.
Esther's reality was about being okay with herself, her trials, and taking advantage of whatever life she could have however long she could have it. If you have the time to research the VlogBrothers videos, it's inspiring to go through and realize how one girl helped shape literal thousands of people just by being an unquenchable spirit. The brothers Green are also very good, inspiring philosphs of their own. So just go get addicted to them.
But my main point today, if I ever had one, is that without risking ourselves, without love and loss, without best friends and sudden death, what are we but fragile shells? Without being hurt by that crush I had in 3rd grade, or dumped twice by the same girl in the same summer, losing my dad, or my other pains I would never understand the love I have for my daughter, how much I appreciate my friends, or how hard and worth it is to open my life to Love again.
It is so hard.
And so worth it.
This is a Call.
Are You Watching Closely?
I (probably) Love You.
Good Grief.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)