Too Many Mind or (En)forcing My Inner Peace

Dear Readers,

I thought airing my grievances in story time for you would help me cope with some news I got today. It turns out that as I went on, I wanted to dip into further and further detail on the situation. As I went into detail, I knew how deeply it would hurt someone I dearly care for if I were to be so blunt or so flippant about dropping personal experiences and months of observations into the open.

I deleted it. It wasn't worth reading. Raw truth rarely is.



Some battles are worth fighting.
Some battles you must lose
So you don't lose
A much more worthwhile asset.
Tactical retreat,
If only for the sake
Of not burning bridges
Which would never be salvaged.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so observant.
I wish I could ignore facts.
Let things pass while
Everything in me wants to stand.
Wants to fight.
Wants to point out the unbound truth,
The things that neither my wrath
Nor their obsession can deny.

But I am just another number now.
I'm outside of the equation,
An imaginary variable,
Irrational and squared.
A now scribbled over line on a neglected page,
Crumpled up long ago,
Left to be stepped on occasionally
While the old clutter gathers dust.



Ugh, I'm so not in this mood. This mood is invading my space. I want so much to have this not bother me. It just came at me sideways today. I was neither expecting it, nor expecting my reaction. Which to me is weird, because I think of myself as deeply and tragically predictable.

My unimpeded, true feeling is gladness. My Love is coming to town in a week. I get to have her to myself for the following week. I'm really, truly happy with this upcoming time in my life.

Sleep now.

Renew tomorrow.

No mind.

Are You Watching Closely?

And I Thought Two Weeks Was Bad... or Life, Life Always Changes

I'm noticing a rhythm in my life. A constant beat. A cadence of phrase I cannot escape, no matter how hard or far I've run.

"You are better then this."

I always know when my life takes a turn for the not-as-good. I've never yet had my life go "bad." I've (almost) always had power and indoor plumbing, and I've always-always-always had a roof over my head. My life has always been some degree of better-than-most, whether I have realized it or not. But with my first world problems comes the question of "Now what? You're already on top of the world. This is as good as it gets." I let myself become complacent. I drop into this stupor of thinking that I'm not good enough to deserve more than what I have. I have enough. I am enough. I don't need to push further.

But then I hear the call again.

"You are better than this."

And then I try to be better. I resolve to do school or learn a new programming language or something else to make myself better. And then I remember how hard it is to push. That I'm not a beautiful and unique snowflake. That I've always been Jack's complete lack of surprise. Complacency, like a warm blanket, wraps me up again and I feel like it's all a waste of time. Punch in, keep pedaling that stationary bike, punch out, pay bills, repeat. It's enough. It's low-risk, low impact, low geared, and it keeps me afloat. It's enough.

And life, the repetitive little sod, calls again.

"You are better than this."

So we keep repeating the same dance in different places, with different vocations, in different schools, at different times, with different friends, and different lovers, but all (sometimes painfully) reminding me of life's little catchphrase.

"You are better than this."

But why? I'm tired. It's hard. And I don't know how. And what if I fail? I'm afraid of failing. And everything around me says successful people suck.

I'm better than this.

So I'm at it again.

But what's different?

I'm not being told.

I want.

I desire.

I crave.

Sadly, this is new again. I've not had a true impelling drive for a long time. I guess that means I've been broken for a long time. The things I learn about myself when I write... This is better than therapy.

At least somewhat cheaper.

I'm better than this.

Don't forget this time.

There may not be another.

There's so much better than this.

The world is so much better than this.

The universe is so much better than this.

There is no end to what's better than this.

Are You Watching Closely?