Strange and Stranger Still or Love, Actually, and Out Loud

For those of you who don't know, there are many forms of love. Even the levels of romantic love are not just "in love" or "in lust."

It is in that spirit that I say, I've been in love with a particular woman for most of my 20's.

It's been absurd, the things I've been willing to do for her. Even knowing her heart was with this man or that boy or whatever stopped me from trying to be more to her, I've made a point to, if at all possible, be able to support her in anything -- I dare say everything -- she wants to do (including going after guys who are wrong for her). She is beauty and creativity and awkward and searching and unsure... basically everything I relate to.

And still, I let things go. I continued on, being her friend as if nothing I wanted mattered. But inside I died every time she kissed her flavor of the year. Every time I knew she went home with -- or without -- someone else there. It killed me so hard so much so long I just let it go numb for a while. A long while. I moved on and went about my life. I remained her friend on and off and life was as life always is with her. I became her best friend. Her confidante. Her push to do what she liked like write and create.

Skip to several years later to a period where she's single and I'm single and we're both heart-hurt and I just blurt out that I like her. How I've cared about her for so long. How I wished I could help heal her hurt.
You could have heard a pin pull from a grenade.
All of the sudden our relationship is complicated, she doesn't know how to act with me or talk to me now that she knows what I've occasionally screamed to the Heavens in blind frustration. All of the sudden, her comfort zone is breached and being within arm's reach of me is a dangerous place because the feelings that have lived there for years are now are finally visible.

I was broken. The pieces that fell from me could have toppled nations, were I anyone that mattered to anyone. I was alone. Left in my shell. And ready to go numb again, banishing myself to observe and adore without caring. Without hope.


And now we switch the possessor of the name "she," and all of the rights hitherto imbued.


She has been an acquaintance for quite some time. So long, I'm almost embarrassed to really find out how long. Ashamed, really, because she is everything I am. Apparently, she has always been. Nerd of the ways I nerd, seeker of things I seek, reader and watcher, awkward and awesome, kind and innocent in so many ways I wish I were again.

And I had no idea what I was missing. I thought I was alone. I peered out and saw reflections on the horizon and gave chase, hoping it could be real. But she is a flowing stream at my feet, over and under, taking from my hands and feet the callouses and burns of so many wandered deserts.


I feel almost ashamed that the lion's share of my verbose, disillusioned musings tonight are about a woman who could never love me. But I'm so well versed in pain, feelings of relief are so foreign to my fingertips, I just don't know how to continue. So I will end here, dear friends. Know that today was an astoundingly good day. So good, in fact, I actually want to sleep to discover what tomorrow has.


You Probably Think This Is About You.

This Is Amalgam.

Good Things are not Vestigial.


Are You Watching Closely?!

Fears. or Existence Beyond Comprehension

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of not being good enough.
Not being smart enough.
Not making enough.
Failing my daughter.
Being left in the herd.
Not being heard.
Misunderstanding.
Being misunderstood.
Standing up.
Being stood up.
Loving.
Being loved.
And throughout them all
I see a fear of being.
I want to be so much more than I am.
But until then, I am still just a human being.
I am a man.
I am man.
We are man.
We fear being.
We cannot open to being loved
Without the possibility of being hurt.
And sometimes the fear of that pain,
That soul-wretching impaling,
Is worse than the pain itself.
The first time.
And the second.
And even the third and fourth,
But soon, all we have is the horrible fear that
We'll stop feeling if we let the pain stop.


/end


So I don't fully know where that came from. I've been a closed book for so long, sometimes I have old feelings that need venting. Old demons that need rending. Memories that I wish had a 'hidden' feature and others an "unblock".


But we aren't simple computers. Those who don't see a Divinity in our complexity and a uniqueness in our faults that brings us above simple animalia confuse me. We are not stardust conglomerated, matter unorganized turning into matter organized without some intelligent guidance. Though we are basic mammals on the surface, we take to thought. We can communicate those thoughts over unfathomable distances. We ponder our own existence is such depth that we argue over it. We war over it. We need to be right. We want control over everything we can see. If you have never thought about how deeply odd all of that is among the millions of genome that exist, just within our own sphere of Earth, then do. Think about it for hours. For days on end if you have to.


Then ponder the vastness of all creation that we can see. Billions of trillions of tiny dots out there in the darkness, any tiny percent of which could hold another habitable planet with other beings who question and fight and stare into the darkness looking at their billions of distant lights.


Then look within yourself. Not even at your hopes and dreams, which have their own special qualities, but at your cells. The bosons holding protons, neutrons, and electrons together, then coming together in just the right self-replicating combination to hold homeostasis within each of your nuclei. Your cell walls all communicating together, neurons firing in just the right combination, white blood cells disrupting those who would intrude on your balance.


Do you see yet? I will say it again. We are not simply stardust conglomerated. We cannot -- can. not. -- be matter unorganized turning into matter organized randomly. From the complexity of the atom to superstructure of the galaxies, there is balance and order that is so far beyond what's even possible at random. Viruses, fungi, animals, humans. Plants for goodness sake! They take sunlight and minerals and sustain themselves, with their own reproduction and unique cells!




My point, if there ever was just one, is that no matter if you like to acknowledge it, there is a divine order to natural order. Divine. Supernatural. Metaphysical. Beyond these dimensions of matter and time. The arrogance it takes to deny order, directly in the face of order, is equally beyond natural order.


Take some intuitive leaps. Maybe some intuitive free-running. If you made it this far, you have the mental strength.


Don't be fooled.


This is just a test.


Are. You. Watching. Closely?

Professional Project Conceiver Seeks Permanent Web Address

I have been writing for so long, and over so many mediums, sometimes it feels like an eternity of tumbling through the universe, spilling my thoughts wherever on whomever they will stick. Other times it feels like a grain of sand in an hourglass balanced on a pencil tip. But eventually and always, the one sand grain lands that breaks the fragile balance of my hourglass, sending it end-over-end in a world shattering finale that leaves so much left to give. So much left unsaid.
That hourglass gets left where it lies to blow away in the winds of server upgrades and account deletions while I move on with real life. Be it getting a "real" job or trying to get the educational shingles to patch my leaking roof or relationships and failing at any combination of all of them time after time after time, I still pontificate to the open web space and pray to that God I love so very much in real space that I can find some way to balance the overflowing thoughts and ideas in my attention deficient brain with the fatherhood and responsibility I was thrust into by a woman who, as it turns out, really did just marry me for my genetic code [Post-posting fact check: There was love. But so it goes, love is not all you need.] (A sad realization I had when recently pondering all of the faults I had back then and comparing them to the faults I maintain today).*breathing or grammatical soundness?*


If it has not become apparent, my thoughts leap constantly. They ebb and flow like ocean water would if given less gravity to fight with. If you are okay with occasionally trite diatribes concocted in the moment, with no real beginning or end or structure, I invite you to stay with me here. I will write right here, I talk out some of the current events that matter to me 5 Days-a-Week on this YouTube channel, and I bang on guitars and grunt out melodies once a week-ish on another YouTube channel. If any of these sound good to you, keep up with them too.


I have a terrible feeling I will wake up and everything will be the same as it was before. My habits will have stayed locked and nothing I'm trying to change will have budged. But as someone once said, you can always look into the future. But the future changes as soon as you look at it. Because you've looked at it.


Are you watching closely?