It is in that spirit that I say, I've been in love with a particular woman for most of my 20's.
It's been absurd, the things I've been willing to do for her. Even knowing her heart was with this man or that boy or whatever stopped me from trying to be more to her, I've made a point to, if at all possible, be able to support her in anything -- I dare say everything -- she wants to do (including going after guys who are wrong for her). She is beauty and creativity and awkward and searching and unsure... basically everything I relate to.
And still, I let things go. I continued on, being her friend as if nothing I wanted mattered. But inside I died every time she kissed her flavor of the year. Every time I knew she went home with -- or without -- someone else there. It killed me so hard so much so long I just let it go numb for a while. A long while. I moved on and went about my life. I remained her friend on and off and life was as life always is with her. I became her best friend. Her confidante. Her push to do what she liked like write and create.
Skip to several years later to a period where she's single and I'm single and we're both heart-hurt and I just blurt out that I like her. How I've cared about her for so long. How I wished I could help heal her hurt.
You could have heard a pin pull from a grenade.
All of the sudden our relationship is complicated, she doesn't know how to act with me or talk to me now that she knows what I've occasionally screamed to the Heavens in blind frustration. All of the sudden, her comfort zone is breached and being within arm's reach of me is a dangerous place because the feelings that have lived there for years are now are finally visible.
I was broken. The pieces that fell from me could have toppled nations, were I anyone that mattered to anyone. I was alone. Left in my shell. And ready to go numb again, banishing myself to observe and adore without caring. Without hope.
And now we switch the possessor of the name "she," and all of the rights hitherto imbued.
She has been an acquaintance for quite some time. So long, I'm almost embarrassed to really find out how long. Ashamed, really, because she is everything I am. Apparently, she has always been. Nerd of the ways I nerd, seeker of things I seek, reader and watcher, awkward and awesome, kind and innocent in so many ways I wish I were again.
And I had no idea what I was missing. I thought I was alone. I peered out and saw reflections on the horizon and gave chase, hoping it could be real. But she is a flowing stream at my feet, over and under, taking from my hands and feet the callouses and burns of so many wandered deserts.
I feel almost ashamed that the lion's share of my verbose, disillusioned musings tonight are about a woman who could never love me. But I'm so well versed in pain, feelings of relief are so foreign to my fingertips, I just don't know how to continue. So I will end here, dear friends. Know that today was an astoundingly good day. So good, in fact, I actually want to sleep to discover what tomorrow has.
You Probably Think This Is About You.
This Is Amalgam.
Good Things are not Vestigial.
Are You Watching Closely?!
And still, I let things go. I continued on, being her friend as if nothing I wanted mattered. But inside I died every time she kissed her flavor of the year. Every time I knew she went home with -- or without -- someone else there. It killed me so hard so much so long I just let it go numb for a while. A long while. I moved on and went about my life. I remained her friend on and off and life was as life always is with her. I became her best friend. Her confidante. Her push to do what she liked like write and create.
Skip to several years later to a period where she's single and I'm single and we're both heart-hurt and I just blurt out that I like her. How I've cared about her for so long. How I wished I could help heal her hurt.
You could have heard a pin pull from a grenade.
All of the sudden our relationship is complicated, she doesn't know how to act with me or talk to me now that she knows what I've occasionally screamed to the Heavens in blind frustration. All of the sudden, her comfort zone is breached and being within arm's reach of me is a dangerous place because the feelings that have lived there for years are now are finally visible.
I was broken. The pieces that fell from me could have toppled nations, were I anyone that mattered to anyone. I was alone. Left in my shell. And ready to go numb again, banishing myself to observe and adore without caring. Without hope.
And now we switch the possessor of the name "she," and all of the rights hitherto imbued.
She has been an acquaintance for quite some time. So long, I'm almost embarrassed to really find out how long. Ashamed, really, because she is everything I am. Apparently, she has always been. Nerd of the ways I nerd, seeker of things I seek, reader and watcher, awkward and awesome, kind and innocent in so many ways I wish I were again.
And I had no idea what I was missing. I thought I was alone. I peered out and saw reflections on the horizon and gave chase, hoping it could be real. But she is a flowing stream at my feet, over and under, taking from my hands and feet the callouses and burns of so many wandered deserts.
I feel almost ashamed that the lion's share of my verbose, disillusioned musings tonight are about a woman who could never love me. But I'm so well versed in pain, feelings of relief are so foreign to my fingertips, I just don't know how to continue. So I will end here, dear friends. Know that today was an astoundingly good day. So good, in fact, I actually want to sleep to discover what tomorrow has.
You Probably Think This Is About You.
This Is Amalgam.
Good Things are not Vestigial.
Are You Watching Closely?!
beautiful. absolutely beautiful.
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