Fears. or Existence Beyond Comprehension

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of not being good enough.
Not being smart enough.
Not making enough.
Failing my daughter.
Being left in the herd.
Not being heard.
Misunderstanding.
Being misunderstood.
Standing up.
Being stood up.
Loving.
Being loved.
And throughout them all
I see a fear of being.
I want to be so much more than I am.
But until then, I am still just a human being.
I am a man.
I am man.
We are man.
We fear being.
We cannot open to being loved
Without the possibility of being hurt.
And sometimes the fear of that pain,
That soul-wretching impaling,
Is worse than the pain itself.
The first time.
And the second.
And even the third and fourth,
But soon, all we have is the horrible fear that
We'll stop feeling if we let the pain stop.


/end


So I don't fully know where that came from. I've been a closed book for so long, sometimes I have old feelings that need venting. Old demons that need rending. Memories that I wish had a 'hidden' feature and others an "unblock".


But we aren't simple computers. Those who don't see a Divinity in our complexity and a uniqueness in our faults that brings us above simple animalia confuse me. We are not stardust conglomerated, matter unorganized turning into matter organized without some intelligent guidance. Though we are basic mammals on the surface, we take to thought. We can communicate those thoughts over unfathomable distances. We ponder our own existence is such depth that we argue over it. We war over it. We need to be right. We want control over everything we can see. If you have never thought about how deeply odd all of that is among the millions of genome that exist, just within our own sphere of Earth, then do. Think about it for hours. For days on end if you have to.


Then ponder the vastness of all creation that we can see. Billions of trillions of tiny dots out there in the darkness, any tiny percent of which could hold another habitable planet with other beings who question and fight and stare into the darkness looking at their billions of distant lights.


Then look within yourself. Not even at your hopes and dreams, which have their own special qualities, but at your cells. The bosons holding protons, neutrons, and electrons together, then coming together in just the right self-replicating combination to hold homeostasis within each of your nuclei. Your cell walls all communicating together, neurons firing in just the right combination, white blood cells disrupting those who would intrude on your balance.


Do you see yet? I will say it again. We are not simply stardust conglomerated. We cannot -- can. not. -- be matter unorganized turning into matter organized randomly. From the complexity of the atom to superstructure of the galaxies, there is balance and order that is so far beyond what's even possible at random. Viruses, fungi, animals, humans. Plants for goodness sake! They take sunlight and minerals and sustain themselves, with their own reproduction and unique cells!




My point, if there ever was just one, is that no matter if you like to acknowledge it, there is a divine order to natural order. Divine. Supernatural. Metaphysical. Beyond these dimensions of matter and time. The arrogance it takes to deny order, directly in the face of order, is equally beyond natural order.


Take some intuitive leaps. Maybe some intuitive free-running. If you made it this far, you have the mental strength.


Don't be fooled.


This is just a test.


Are. You. Watching. Closely?